Because if I've learned anything from this tumultuous timeline it's that I've got to go for it with all my heart. I have to believe in myself. I have to try.
It made me think about a lot of times in my life when I felt at peace. And then I remember the halibut. So I went and bought some.
What does it mean to step outside?
I think the trust I'm trying to build back up with myself is also translating to some moments in the kitchen. Usually out of necessity to adapt, like in the instance of this sort of chicken picatta. Instead of panicking I simply remembered what chicken piccata is. I mean, I think I did. This is at least close. And, honestly, if it's not chicken piccata, it's still delicious.
Sometimes the days fly by and I'm laying in bed at 11 at night like "What just happened? Who are those giant little people who were sitting at my dinner table? Am I paying enough attention? Am I giving them enough?" But last weekend, we did it. We had one of those days that I hope lives in the yellow halls of their childhood memories forever.
I remember reading Lawrence Ferlinghetti's Coney Island Mind on the dock of my grandparent's summer home in Okoboji, Iowa one summer a lifetime ago. One of the last summers I had before obligation became year round.
Dad wasn't perfect. He was good. He was a good person. He did good for others. He saw people. He loved people. And he often surprised people with quiet thoughtfulness. He was a savior. He was a confidant. He was a vigilante for your individuality in the middle of the night. He always wanted to curate an experience.
As spring creeps its head around the corner, the ground begins to loosen, the birds begin to return, winter dies. This winter seems to have lasted a year. But I feel apprehensive, yet renewed hope for a day, just on the other side of now, where I'm hugging my brother or strolling my daughter through the zoo. A day when I can go on a date with my husband or laugh in a movie theatre with my son.
My name is Maddie. Madeline Suzanne. My nicknames? Shuffy, Shiney, B-Sweet, Little Maddie Fu-Sue, Crainch-Grainch, Crumpertina Meff-Mertudy (she's the cutest of the cute-cute-cuties), Crunchy, Shine-a-lau, Sholly, Shollarific, Madelina Suzanna Maria, Midge, Scrummy, and everybody's favorite: Screebits.
My Momma is a damn good cook. She fed us so well all my life. And even though I began my life as a somewhat picky eater - and even though I continue to have a few of those early food quirks heldover - her ability to make things delicious inspired my life in ways I can't fully express.